Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!.....or not.....

Sometimes I feel like academia is elementary school all over again. Remember when you'd be on the field at recess or in PE and had to pick teams? One team captain would start and the other would follow, selecting teammates one at a time. Movies have captured the childhood pain of not getting selected until the very end. What I remember about that experience is trying to make myself look better. If I stood taller (the one time height was an advantage), maybe they'd want me. If I acted like I didn't care, maybe I'd be selected next. If only the captains could see what a valuable asset I'd be. I may not have been the fastest, or the strongest, or the most able. But, what I lacked in those talents I would always make up for in effort.

Fast forward 25 or so years. Today I wasn't picked for the team. I heard back on a fellowship I really wanted and it was No. I tried to make them want me. They didn't see my assets. I don't look very good as an academic on paper. I published one thing a few years ago in a student-edited journal. No other publications. I haven't presented at any conferences. I kept thinking, but if they'd just talk with me..... It sounds horrible to verbalize this, but with a good friend in history also not getting the fellowship, I at least know that this year they weren't so interested in history projects and maybe it wasn't a judgment on the merit of my dissertation project. Since I've been looking for a reason to be energized about my dissertation once again, it was really deflating to learn I wouldn't get the pick me up in the form of a fellowship. Nothing left to do but wallow in some Peanut Butter and Chocolate Ice Cream. (Who said finding comfort in food was a horrible habit?) Too bad I have no B&R on stock.

There are still a few funding maybes I haven't heard from yet. But, the chances of me getting paid to do my research next year and not teach are looking slimmer and slimmer. How I'm supposed to produce a dissertation AND teach AND still be the primary care giver for my little one is a mystery to me. Yet another reason to reach for the ice cream goodness.

Darn that empty freezer!