Do you ever second guess your ability to finish what you've started? I am the kind of person who jumps into situations before surveying the entire scene. It is a quality I like about myself. I get my hands dirty, get things done. There is a weakness to the approach, however, which is feeling overwhelmed when I realize the magnitude of the situations I've accepted or created.
Grad school was a decision I came to slowly. Still, I did not realize the gravity of the challenge before me. I've not only committed to a serious mental test, I choose to get married before my written exam and have a baby before my oral exam. Say what????????????????? I wouldn't change the decisions; I believe grad school is not an excuse to stall the rest of my life. As I sit here, however, trying to proof read my dissertation proposal for the umteenth time, I'm wondering what I was thinking taking on all of this.
I've never been terribly confident in my writing abilities. As I've gone further in school, I've learned how much I need to improve and what a skill it is to write concisely, clearly, and thoughtfully. If only I could articulate myself on paper as well as I do orally. I'm a better speaker than a writer. Then there is the issue of critical thinking. As my adviser has said, "messy writing denotes unclear thinking." My abilities in this area have improved as I've been in this program, but I am still befuddled sometimes. It took me six months to figure out why my adviser had me read a certain French philosopher. That ah-ha moment happily happened this week.
As I make baby steps towards the goal of a PhD (still 2-3 years to go), I am watching a baby grow and change daily, learning in baby steps how to be a mommy. Sometimes it all seems a little much. I guess its that issue of balance that has always been a stumbling block for me. "Why not jump in and do more?" has been my mantra. Have I bitten off more than I can chew? The answer: Probably. Nevertheless, here I am. I'll do my best, and need to recognize that life is a process, so its okay if I don't have it all figured out right now. I do love history and teaching (learning to like writing more). I am very happily married. And I get to mother this cute little bear below.
There is a lot going on, but I'm in it for the long haul. It may take me a while, but in the meantime, I do have a good life!
5 comments:
I admire you so much for getting your PhD. I also tend to jump in before I've thought things through completely. It will take a lot of prioritizing, but I'm sure it will work out. Let me know if I can watch Zoe while you get some work done.
wait a minute. hold the phone. you mean superwoman has days of doubt!!?? no! it can't be!! i think you write real good-like - no worries there. (smiles) ... your ability to recognize the enormous-ity of your undertakings bodes well. you will prevail!!
Keep on keepin' on.....one day at a time. You are amazing!
(and oooooooohhhhhh, the bear suit. I still love it.)
For what it's worth, you're not the only one! Every time I go longer than a week without writing something for my own blog, I start asking myself similar questions. But 9 years later, I'm still at it, and Margot just turned 2...
Laura, you have always been harder on yourself than anyone else is. You are a great thinker and writer, and you have me to help edit when you need it, so no need to stress out. You are loved, admired and appreciated by all!
Plus, when Zoey smiles at me, the world is great!
Dad/Papa
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